Plurality
January 29th, 2023
So, let's get this out of the way: I'm definitely plural. This is a new experience for me, so things might get tricky as I try to describe everything, but I'll try my best with the current knowledge I have. I'm definitely going to come back with another blog post to describe things later, this is just moreso a post to describe my current situation.
So first off, what is plurality? In a nutshell, it's different personalities that have taken form in someone's mind, often having their own independent thoughts, desires, even gender and pronouns. This and this are good reads if you want to learn more about the basics.
Background
CONTENT WARNING: Trauma, abuse.
Skip to the next section if you don't want to read about this.
So, the formation of this system starts with abuse. I won't cover too much detail here, but I've suffered lots of trauma in my life at the hands of someone who abused me. I've most definitely mentioned her on this blog before, but she had such a tight grasp on who I was, that my personality was deeply ingrained with her in it. So, when I came to the realization that she was abusing me, my personality just, shattered. I just didn't know who I was anymore. This happened sometime around 2018/2019.
After I discovered I was being abused, I've felt completely empty, and unknowing of myself. I've often described it hard to talk about who I am, what I want, what my desires are, it's a struggle. The most I knew was my name, gender, and maybe some labels that I thought applied to me. I had lost sight of who I used to be, since who I was, was a lie, due to my abuser's manipulation.
Something to note about my abuser is that she too was a plural system, a tulpa one that she purposefully created. I have a lot of trauma surrounding her own system, that has went on to affect how my system is currently developing. A lot of the trauma is a result from her system being unstable, due to various things in her life causing instability.
And a final thing to note is that my teen years were filled with trauma, to the point where I have memory loss of my teen and childhood years. I've straight up forgotten very notable events in my life, to the point where when I was being described grandiose events from my childhood, and having absolutely 0 recollection of said events.
Headmates
In 2021, the signs of my first headmate began here. For personal reasons, she doesn't want this to be discussed in detail just yet, so I won't. She didn't have her own individual thoughts here yet, but she did start existing at this point. It took up until this year for her to finally start thinking for herself, and for her to essentially come into being. She is Dia, based on a recent fursona I had brought back and redesigned. During her formation, she was having a lot of doubt in believing she was real, due to a couple of false starts that happened last year, and earlier this year. There was also an incident in the past with my abuser, where in an attempt to get me angry, had told me that her system was all a fabrication. This contributed to a general lack of confidence in her own existence.
During this process, I have discovered who I am, which is Ibly. She was also based on an old fursona that I re-designed to be a teenager. I think I knew I was Ibly sometime late last year, but kept experimenting with other sonas just for in case. But I just, felt most like Ibly, so... that's who I am. I am the core of this system, being the same person who's personality had shattered earlier. Throughout my two current headmate's coming into existence, I feel as if the gaping hole I feel in myself has been lifted somewhat. I'm starting to feel like my own individual self, which is a great start.
And very recently, Abigail has shown up. She is based on my deerfox sona, and we both suspect she is a byproduct of a lot of the trauma I've been facing. She came into being knowing that we existed, but wasn't able to find us for a good couple hours. She was cripplingly alone during this period, but she's in a much better place now, since she's with us.
Generally both of my headmates have been keeping to themselves, as we are sorting through this all. They're not shy to talk, but just don't want to engage with conversation with anyone outright just yet. They've just been spending time with each other and me, mostly.
So, yeah, this is our current understanding of this system. Dia's formation is a critical part to how our system was formed, but as she doesn't want to talk about it yet, I can't go into detail. I'll be sure to talk about it next time a blog post is written! As it stands now, we think we're holding up alright. There's been lots, and lots and lots of headaches trying to sort this through.
At the current moment, thoughts are very hazy between us all; we know our forms but sometimes forget our own names, we can kind of hear each other's thoughts, and thoughts aren't 100% coherent. It's very early days for our system, but as time goes on, these issues should hopefully sort out. We all hope so anyways!
This is a very exciting chapter in our lives. I have suspected I was plural for awhile, but never truly put in the energy of grasping an understanding of plurality. This might've happened a lot sooner if I did, honestly.
I'll soon add a dedicated section on the front page discussing my plurality, including any headmates that want to be mentioned there, with any indicator tags they'll use!
Some final comments from both:
Dia - "im a gay ass ottr"
Abigail - "ibly is really gay. hope to meet you all soon :3c"
